How and Why to Calm Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in human relationships. Managing it successfully can actually make us a better colleague, a better partner and a better friend.
Five Tips to Resolve Conflict
Meet in person in a neutral location
The location of the meeting sets the tone for the outcome. Meeting in one person’s office would give a disadvantage to the other. Get together in a café or outside on a bench or even for a walk. Remember to listen and not interrupt, even when you disagree. You can express your opinion when the other person finishes speaking. Feeling heard and acknowledged is a critical step in resolving a conflict.
Be aware of your “bad” ego
Healthy egos are necessary for us to grow and make a difference in our personal and professional life. The “bad” ego, defined as an unhealthy belief in our own importance, will alienate us from others and keep us out of touch with reality. Focus on what is important to do and not why it is important to win. A healthy ego allows us to compromise and collaborate in resolving a conflict. Our bad ego will focus on winning the conflict independent of the consequences.
Explain the conflict’s effect on you and what you would like to see happen
Be specific. Is the conflict preventing you from accomplishing something important? Is it affecting a relationship that you value? What exactly would you like the other person to do to resolve the conflict? Suggest potential solutions and encourage the other person to do the same.
Focus on common goals
Envision a resolution and steps needed to achieve it. Could this be important to the other person as well? If not, how is it different from what they want to achieve? Engage the other person to realize the advantage for both of you in resolving the conflict. A “better” and happier working relationship moving forward could be one goal.
Be willing to forgive
We get hurt and offended by others’ behavior. We can be overly sensitive and have a tough time forgiving those who have hurt us. When you forgive someone, you allow yourself to heal and allow the pain to diminish. It can help to remember a situation where you were forgiven after having offended or hurt someone, even unintentionally. Chances are you value that relationship and will always appreciate it.
Gain a new perspective
The conflict-management strategy of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is a pathway to personal growth. We’re able to see a situation from multiple angles and develop new ways to look at a challenge. It helps us appreciate different ideas. It allows “better” things to happen.
Build communication skills
Conflict, handled correctly, helps us become better communicators. We learn to express our concern in a constructive way, by explaining the conflict’s personal impact. The most important aspect is to not label or attack individuals but to express how their behavior has affected us.
Learn compromise and collaboration
We get stressed by the prospect of losing or giving up something we value. If the relationship and a winning outcome to a conflict are equally important, we’ll be motivated to collaborate and compromise toward a resolution that benefits both parties.
Forge better relationships
Facing a conflict with someone puts us in a good position to learn more about that person. The constructive way forward — sharing concerns and reasons for the conflict — requires admitting our vulnerabilities. Doing that often creates a stronger bond with the individual, which may even lead to friendship.
Prepare for the future
At the early stage of a conflict, we tend to be the most discouraged and may not envision a potential resolution. Reaching one by addressing the issue directly with an “adversary” builds self-confidence. We can call up the experience when challenging situations arise in the future.
Meet Eliane
Eliane Markoff has more than 30 years’ experience in the high-tech and academic sectors, specializing in business mediation, conflict resolution, strategic planning and team dynamics. Her work includes developing programs and tools that leveraged intellectual capital across a Fortune 500 company and serving as a principal software engineer designing expert systems. Markoff also founded the nonprofit Art in Giving LLC, which promotes the work of several artists and galleries to benefit childhood cancer research and other health causes. Before assuming the role of university ombuds in 2018, she taught management and organizational behavior courses in Bentley’s Management Department. Markoff holds an MBA from Boston College and is fluent in French and Arabic.